My "bringer of joy," source of tremendous healing, and reminder that life is beautiful and worth living.
You came into the world 6 weeks ago. I guess what they say about each child getting less coverage is a little true. I am a mom of 3! Life is crazy, and full, and to be honest, a bit of a blur- but, I'm truly happy. I'm doing well. I look at your sweet face and my heart swells. I feel a nudge from heaven when I hold you in my arms. I know that you are a gift. You are what we needed in our dark night of the soul. The timing of your birth was incredible. You see, you were born January 12 on your Tyty's birthday. This is a big deal because your Tyty LOVED his birthday more than anyone else I have EVER met. I feel like you being born on this day not only strongly ties you to their legacy, but it also allowed me to feel joy on what otherwise would have been a very hard day.
The week of Christmas 2016 was one of the hardest of my life. I felt completely consumed by sadness while celebrating the holidays without Mom and Dad. I was also initially supposed to be induced December 26th because of a possible liver condition. Thankfully, I was able to enter 2016 still pregnant and had some time to gain emotional altitude before you were born.
Breazing through January, my induction date was set for Jan 11th. If I went past midnight, you would be born on Dad's 55th birthday. When the clock struck midnight on Monday night, I realized Tuesday was here and you were coming on Tyty's bday.
Your birth was so special to me. Your dad, Nanna (Paul's mom) and Aunties (Paul's sisters Sarah and Amy and my sister, Annie) all watched you enter this world. You were born into the most loving environment imaginable. I joked all through my pregnancy that I would need a delivery room with bleachers... Most people don't want a crowd watching them give birth, but I needed to feel like it was special since your Nonnie and Tyty were present at your siblings' births. And it was.
Induction, epidural, quick birth.... you know the drill. I had some complications after you were out and lost some blood, but being with my favorite midwife put my mind at ease and I felt better after a few days.
Back in November, when we went to Texas for grief counseling, the Lord spoke HOPE to my heart that He had many gifts in my future and that I didn't need to be afraid of a crushingly sad life. Beatrix, YOU have been one of the most TANGIBLE gifts from the Lord. The great tenderness of His timing brings tears to my eyes. Getting pregnant exactly 9 months before Dad's birthday brought me a token of hope, legacy, and healing on a day that otherwise would have been filled with more pain (much like Christmas felt for me). While I spent much of my pregnancy thinking He had placed too much on my shoulders, YOU were actually the greatest gift I have received since the accident.
B, the timing of your life has taught me that sometimes the most unexpected blessings and healings come from the places we where we wrestle in our minds with God because we can't see the whole picture. Those areas that cause pain, doubt, and confusion can become the launchpad into our destiny if we trust that God is good all the time, even when we can't fully see his plan. I believe these values will mark your little being for your whole life. I know that losing your grandparents has caused me to cling to beauty and joy much more than I did before. The gift in their death is the realization life is brief and what really matters is put into perspective.
So thanks for being born. You are a treasure and I can't wait to watch you grow up.
xo, mom
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| at your gender-reveal party! Nonnie and Tyty were so excited you are a girl! |
